What is Gaslighting?
The term “Gaslighting” has been gaining a lot of traction in recent times but has in fact been around for a really long time. It is a form of psychological or emotional abuse that can cause the victim to question their judgments and reality. This form of abuse is most common in romantic relationships, but can also be observed in controlling friendships or among family members or co-workers too. How it works is by undermining a person’s perception of reality. It makes you constantly second guess yourself, your memories, and your perception of situations. After interacting with the gaslighter, you may be left with a feeling of doubt….. if there is something really wrong with you. It can lead to a serious deterioration of your mental health.
The term originated from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, known in America as "Angel Street" and later adapted by Alfred Hitchock into the film "Gas Light" by Alfred Hitchcock. In this suspense flick, a manipulative husband convinces his wife into thinking that she is losing her mind by making subtle changes in her environment, including gradually dimming the flame on a gas lamp. Not only does this trick her into believing that she is going insane, but he also abuses and controls her, making her cut all ties with her family and friends. As a result, the wife is stuck in a constant saga of second-guessing herself, feeling neurotic, hypertensive, and out of control of the situation. Since this movie was an accurate portrayal of the toxic and manipulative nature that some people tend to use, psychologists and counselors started calling this type of abusive behavior as “gaslighting'“.
These are some of the warning signs to be aware of:
Lying: Lying is the basis of a gaslighter’s destructive behavior and they are habitual, if not pathological liars. They will not own up or change their stories even if they are called out for it, or if proof of the deceit is provided. Even when you are aware that they are lying, they are quite convincing, causing you to second-guess the situation yourself.
Discrediting You: Gaslighters could possibly spread false rumors and gossip about you behind your back. They might pretend to be concerned about you in front of you while telling others that you are emotionally unstable or “delusional”. Unfortunately, the tactic always ends up being successful, with many people ending up siding with the bully without knowing the other side of the story. The gaslighter might also make you believe that others have a certain bad perception about you when in reality the people would probably not have uttered a word against you.
Trivializing your Emotions: This move gives the gaslighter to assert power over you. They might pass statements like “you are overreacting”, “why are you so sensitive?” or “calm down”. When you are dealing with a person who tries to downplay your feelings, thoughts or beliefs is when the self-doubt starts to creep in. In the event that you do realize that this is not right and try confronting the gaslighter, the situation might twist into a conversation where they make you believe that you are the cause for their bad behavior, or for making you do stuff that you do not approve of. They claim that if only you behaved differently, they would not treat you the way that they do.
Using Compassion as a Weapon: On occasions when you confront the gaslighter for their inappropriate attitude, they will try to use kind words to soothe you down. Something like "You know how much I love you. I would never hurt you on purpose." are words that would tame down the heat for that moment, but are meaningless, if the behavior is repeated over and over again.
Altering reality: A gaslighter is in the habit of retelling stories with a slight variation to make you question your memory of what happened. For instance, if your abusive partner pushed you against the wall and you are having a discussion about it later, they may change it up a bit and say you stumbled and they tried to steady you, which resulted in you tripping and falling into the wall. It is the slight changes in the details that make all the difference between reality and altered reality.
To conclude, you should not feel like you are responsible for what you are experiencing. The person gaslighting you is influencing your thoughts, behavior, and choices. With healthy choices and boundaries, you can finally reach a place where you will be ready to move away from the toxic relationship.
